When my wife and I decided to adopt, we knew we were making a decision that would require a great deal of education. In addition to learning how to be the best parents possible and how to guide our child through life’s typical ups and downs, we would need to also be experts in all of the added experiences that an adopted child might go through.
Over the many months that we waded through the paperwork and home preparations, Jana and I traveled back and forth to Winston-Salem to learn more about being a transracial family. Additionally, like most parents, we read and read and read. We learned that an initial challenge might be bonding with our child. Many children from other countries who live in orphanages haven’t had the opportunity to bond with a caregiver the way a biological child might bond with her mother or father. We learned that in addition to the lack of immediate attention that true bonding provides, this deficit can also cause developmental set-backs. And, of course bonding equals trust. And, trust equals confidence. And, confidence equals growth. It was clear to us that part of our experience would be to spend ample time bonding once we brought our baby home.
After 10 months of working and planning and waiting, we were matched with our little boy. Just as with so many life experiences I have had since working at the JCC, seeing that first picture of Zi’s face will also be a part of my camp memories. I returned from a field trip with the campers to find out that we had been matched! From that point we had another 4.5 months of waiting and preparing before we left for China.
The day that Zi was placed in our arms felt as miraculous as anything could possibly feel. Jana and I knew that we had traveled around the world to find our little boy and there he was… runny nose and all. Just as any parent would, we felt the overwhelming need to protect and provide. And every second, we fell deeper and deeper in love with Zi.
We spent almost two weeks together in China: cuddling, laughing, trying ice cream for the first time and learning how to parent in a hotel room. Then it was time to return to reality… our new reality. Because of the abundant information that we absorbed regarding bringing adopted babies home, I completely exhausted my vacation time to allow for as much bonding as possible. Jana, who has her own business, set aside her work to continue to be with Zi once I had returned to the J. We knew that this would not be the ultimate solution. We knew that we would need additional support.
As luck would have it, I work at the same organization that runs the best early childhood program in Asheville, Shalom Children’s Center. And, after 8.5 years of begging for a Kellam baby from the staff at Hilde’s House, I knew he would be loved! Still, we wondered: is this the right choice?
Is Zi ready? Some adoption blogs preach that you shouldn’t even put your child down for six months! As Zi quickly hit 28 pounds, we decided that was not our style. Other articles suggested that preschool might too closely resemble the institution in which our baby had lived. And, while Zi lived at a well-maintained orphanage, would he have some sort of hidden memory that could surface and make him think that we were sending him back? Ah!!!! You’ll be happy to know that our heads did not explode. In fact, we calmed down and agreed to send our little boy two mornings a week to Hilde’s House.
As Zi’s August start date came, we felt both excited and nervous. We were nervous for all of the aforementioned reasons and excited because we had been waiting for such a long time to share our family with the Asheville JCC. When the first day arrived there were lots of tears. I think it took us longer to stop crying than it did Zi. The tears that were shed were not only the typical tears of a parent and the tears of fear that all of the work we had done to bond with our baby would be compromised, but tears of joy that our little boy was having the same typical experience as any biological baby. I’m sure that the Hilde’s House staff didn’t need our excessive reminding that Zi needed to be held when he was crying. They were happily complicit with our wishes, and it made all the difference. Zi had the same amazing experience that any other boy or girl would have… nothing was lost and so much was gained.
By Seth Kellam, JCC Youth Director
